my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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