I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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