my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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