I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
