I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
