so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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