in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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