life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Too much gin, very little bucket
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
