Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
