you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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