I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
