and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
