You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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