I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize