Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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