I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
