we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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