My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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