this just has baby written all over it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
