maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
