im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize