dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
