Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
