I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
