bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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