I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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