nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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