let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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