Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
