did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
