Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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