I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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