guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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