its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize