noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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