i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
