my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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