I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
