Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
