god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
