I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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