why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
