I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
