i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
