I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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