He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize