smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
