Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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