i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
babies were throwing up all over the place
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
