i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
