He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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