the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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