First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
