I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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