Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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