Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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