Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
