I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
