sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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