I'm gonna have a badass scar
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
